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JUST SAY WHAT YOU
THINK
(A
Short Comedy)
by
GEORGE FREEK
The Characters
ELSIE FRANK, A retired person, 70
CARL FRANK, Her son, 40s
HELENA BEARD, A social services employee, 30
The Place
ELSIE’s modest livingroom
The time
Recently
(ELSIE FRANK’s livingroom. ELSIE is sitting at a table left,
playing a game, perhaps solitaire, with a deck of cards.
CARL opens the door to admit HELENA)
CARL
Please… come in, er… Ms. Beard…
HELENA
(Formally polite) Thank you. (As she enters she
trips over something) What the…
CARL
Oops! I’m terribly sorry. (He lifts a small barbell,
embarrassed) I was wondering where I’d put that.
(Quickly) Would you like a cup of coffee?
HELENA
No
thank you… I don’t trust caffeine.
CARL
Boy, I probably trust it too much! Whatever
that
means… (He laughs.
She does not).
HELENA
(Gesturing towards ELSIE) Yes, and now, perhaps we
should…
CARL
Um, just a minute, I’d like to ask you, if I may… Who
reported to you that I’d been…um, shouting at my mother?
HELENA
You probably know I’m not allowed to give out that
information.
CARL (Muttering to himself) Like the Nazis…
HELENA
Excuse me!
CARL
Oh… I was just thinking that anyone with a grudge could
report someone to the authorities for an offense against the
Nazis and that person would be protected, while the poor
fellow he reported could be hounded forever. Not very nice…
HELENA
I
don’t find that very funny.
CARL
Oh, believe me, I didn’t mean it to be
funny.
But I was thinking that maybe I could spare you some time
and some trouble if it was Sally Morgan. You see she was
caring for mother in the afternoons, but we had to let her
go when things began to turn up missing.
HELENA
I
assure you, this is no trouble at all. It’s my job. And I
think we should speak to your mother now. (They approach
ELSIE, who pays no attention, absorbed in her card game).
CARL
Um, mother…
ELSIE
(She jumps slightly) Oh! Carl! Are you here? (To
HELENA) He’s always sneaking up on me! It reminds me of
my husband! Of course,
he
thought it was funny.
Oh, Milton was a real practical joker. But I remember one
time Ed Gordon got angry with one of Milton’s jokes and
nearly knocked Milton’s block off. (She chuckles).
HELENA
(A strained smile) Well now, how are you, Mrs. Frank?
CARL
Um, mother, this is Ms. Beard.
ELSIE
Oh? (Smiling, not impolite, just curious) What do you
want?
CARL
She’s here to make sure I haven’t been beating you up.
ELSIE
(Before HELENA can say anything) Beating me up! Why
would you do that? Of course Bert Masters used to beat
Freddy up. But Freddy usually deserved it. He was always
stealing things. (To HELENA) Did you know Freddy
Masters?
HELENA
No. No. (With a thin smile) I think your son is
trying to be funny, Mrs. Frank. I’m simply here, just to
make sure that everything is going well for you.
ELSIE
How nice of you! Well, you’re lucky you didn’t know Freddy.
He was a very nasty piece of work! He pushed me into a
snowdrift once! It was pure maliciousness! He was angry
because I wouldn’t give him my whistle. You remember those
little tin whistles we used to have? We got them at
Maynard’s store over on Elm Street. Now that Maynard was
another s.o.b. If you’ll excuse my language—
CARL
(Quickly) Mother, I don’t think Mrs. Beard came to
talk about Maynard.
ELSIE
I
don’t blame her! (Smiling sweetly) What’s your first
name, dear?
HELENA
It’s Helena, Mrs. Frank, and I am here—
ELSIE
Helen! That was my mother’s sister’s name. (To CARL)
She doesn’t look much like Aunt Helen, does she? But Aunt
Helen was a good deal older. When she finally died, she was
ninety-seven! Of course Uncle Herbert always claimed she
lied about her age! Uncle Herbert had a wonderful singing
voice, you know. He always sang the solos at the Sunday
service… if he didn’t have a hangover, that is. That was at
the old Presbyterian Church on Eighteenth Street. Oh, that
was a wonderful old church. Why they decided they had to
build that modern monstrosity on Lexington Avenue, I have no
idea—
CARL
Look, mother, um, why don’t we get down to business? (To
HELENA) Would you like a seat, Ms. Beard? (He
gestures to a chair).
HELENA
(Reluctantly sitting, growing uncomfortable) It’s
Helena,
by the way, Mrs. Frank. My name is Helena with an A. (She
smiles as if she had reestablished control of the
situation). Now then, tell me, Mrs. Frank, are you getting
along all right. Are you having any… problems at all? (With
a glance at CARL) Please speak freely.
ELSIE
No! I’m not getting along all right!
HELENA
No! Well… would you tell me what the trouble is?
ELSIE
Why, it’s those dogs!
HELENA
(Confused) Dogs?
ELSIE
The Martin’s dogs… They bark all night long!
HELENA
(Slightly disappointed) Oh I see.
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